Cory
Cory was one of Bobby's best friends. Bobby and Cory first met one September morning at the zoo. Bobby was minding his own business, throwing French fries at ostriches, when out of nowhere he heard a strange crying sound. Bobby wandered over near the elephant's cage where he saw Cory being lifted by the elephant's trunk. Bobby quickly freed Cory and asked what had happened. It seemed the elephant wasn't appreciative of the circus peanuts Cory was feeding him. So Bobby and Cory quickly grabbed nearby hedge clippers, which were mistakenly left by a delinquent zookeeper on the ground where little kids could find them, and proceeded to slice off the elephant's trunk. The elephant wasn't too pleased by this and ripped off Cory's head with his tusks. Luckily though, Bobby escaped with the trunk as a souvenir. To this day Bobby keeps the trunk in a box somewhere deep in his attic to remind him of Cory and their fun day at the zoo.

Jacob
Of all of Bobby's buddies, none was more likable than Jacob. One day Bobby was in the department store with his mom when he had a sudden need to use the facilities (this is a polite way to say Bobby had to pee). Anyway, Bobby went to the bathroom but it was one of those one-man models, you know, the kind where only one person can go at a time and everyone else has to wait. Well, luckily there was no one in there so Bobby went right in. Well as soon as Bobby was naked someone knocked on the door. "I'm busy" Bobby yelled but the person continued to knock. Bobby became extremely angry and opened the door to yell but as soon as he did he saw the charming face of Jacob. Bobby couldn't yell at him. Jacob asked if Bobby could hurry and Bobby said sure, so Bobby finished and put back on his clothes. Bobby left the bathroom and ran to his mom. He was so excited about his new friend.

Gwedo
Not all of Bobby's friends were Americans; there was his Italian pal Gwedo. On one of Bobby's many trips to Rome he was wandering through the streets of the Italian capital with his Poop on the Pope T-shirt on when three men in black suits came out of nowhere and led him into a dark alley. Bobby was ushered into a building that looked old on the outside but very fancy on the inside. The three men brought Bobby up to a short, stalky fellow with a lot of rings on his fingers. Bobby was surprised someone could be married that many times. There must be a lot of Mormons in Italy. The man introduced himself as Gwedo and told Bobby he would let Bobby live if Bobby completed a job for him. Gwedo went into great detail on the job but Bobby was distracted by a funny looking picture of a dog drinking beer on the wall and heard nothing Gwedo said. After he was finished Gwedo asked Bobby if he would accept the job; Bobby agreed and was let go. Bobby returned to the US the next day but he never forgot his Italian pal. Unfortunately shortly after Bobby got home his horse's head fell off in bed one night. Bobby was upset until he remembered he didn't own a horse. It was someone else's loss; oh well.

Eric
Not all of Bobby's friends were so wonderful. Bobby did have his share of friends that were nothing more than a bad influence. One late April Bobby and his girlfriend were walking through the park when a jolly looking fellow came up to Bobby and said, "Hello, my name is Eric." Bobby, thinking the guy wanted his wallet began to beat him with a nearby rock. Eric fell to the ground and began to bleed profusely. Bobby's girlfriend ran off in horror as Bobby began screaming profanity and continued to beat the defenseless Eric senseless. After Bobby was sure Eric was either dead or unconscious he proceed to throw rocks at anyone who walked by. Bobby was angry, how dare anyone try to steal his wallet. Bobby then proceed to sing about his troubles as a black man in the South. Distracted by his own stellar voice Bobby didn't notice Eric wake and sneak off. Finally Bobby discovered Eric had indeed escaped and Bobby went home disgusted.

Stephen
Bobby also had his share of bizarre friends. You know, the kind of friends you really don't admit to having as a friend unless it involves getting a free jumbo pretzel. Well one of these such friends was Stephen. One day when Bobby was on his way home from work, he decided instead of just going home to his lovely wife and children as usual, he ought to stop off and see what the current rate was on this years prostitutes. Bobby not knowing much about prostitutes knew that if he was going to find the information he was looking for he would probably have to find one of their pimps. Luckily Bobby had no trouble finding Stephen. Bobby parked his car at his favorite parking meter walked seventeen blocks until he reached the bad part of town. Once there, Bobby preceded to go into a nearby burger joint called "Our Burgers Suck" and asked for a pimp. The young, pregnant cashier with three eyeballs pointed Bobby to a tall fellow sitting by himself. Bobby preceded over to the man and introduced himself. The man also introduced himself as Stephen. Bobby sat down and began rambling on and on about prostitution and its good and bad qualities. Stephen gave Bobby an odd look and left the restaurant. Bobby was satisfied. He quickly went home and told his family all about his new friend Stephen and the information he had gathered on prostitutes, just in case little Bobby Junior was feeling unloved.

Andy
One of the most boring and uninteresting of Bobby's buddies was Andy. Andy was the kind of guy you really didn't want to hang out with until you were absolutely sure everyone else was busy. One day after high school when Bobby was returning home from midget tossing practice he had the sudden urge see how many people he could scare by putting on a ski mask and running into a bank. This was something Bobby and his penpals in prison had often talked about doing but usually only during the summer when it was too hot to wear a ski mask. However, today the air was bit nippy and it seemed like the perfect time. Bobby went home dressed himself in army fatigues and put on his favorite black ski mask. Bobby immediately headed off to the bank. When he charged into the building you should have seen the looks on everyone's face. Bobby proceeded to scream obscenities and started capsizing desk and such. Then Bobby quickly removed his mask and started laughing. After this everyone in the bank gave Bobby a peculiar look. Bobby looked back and then informed the others that his holdup had only been a joke. A fellow then approached Bobby, introducing himself as Andy. Andy began trying to explain to Bobby that, as clever as it was, his joke was actually somewhat mean. Bobby gave Andy a kiss and then left the bank. That night as Bobby lay in his bed he thought back on the days' events. If only he had met Andy earlier, who could ever guess how great a friendship they could have had.

Chinsey
Most of us have that one friend who is always there to help us in a crisis. They can almost always be counted on to loan their shoulder when you really need something to cry on. Bobby was no different. Chinsey was just that friend. The story of how these two buddies first met is quite silly. One day Bobby took some illegal fireworks back in the woods and started firing them off. Suddenly he heard a scream. He walked over to find Chinsey laying there in a heap of pain. It seems one of the fireworks Bobby had fired had blasted off Chinsey's legs. Chinsey had gone to the woods that day to read a novel and enjoy nature. After finding this out, Bobby made fun of Chinsey and beat him senseless with his own leg because only nerds read books in the woods. Chinsey being unable to move had no choice but to just lay there in the woods. Bobby would come visit him once a week and give him food. Chinsey usually refused the food asking for Bobby to just let him die, but Bobby, looking out for his friend, always force fed him. Sometimes for fun, Bobby would bring his dog up and let him lick and defecate all over Chinsey. But like most good things, the friendship came to an end one summer when Bobby went on vacation for four weeks and forgot to tell someone to feed Chinsey.

Mark
Bobby was not without a obnoxious friend or two either. One such friend was Mark. One afternoon, Bobby decided to go to the local Dairy Queen to get a beer. He walked right up to the counter and Mark asked Bobby what cool eat, hot treat he wanted. Bobby proceeded to tell Mark how he could really use a cold beer. Mark told Bobby that at Dairy Queen they don't have beer. Bobby cussed Mark out and left the restaurant in rage. He quickly ran to the grocery store and bought every beer they had in stock. Bobby returned to Dairy Queen with his beer and began opening it up and pouring it all over the seats, tables, and floor. As he did it he screamed a message to Mark, that now, Dairy Queen did have beer, a whole lot of it. Mark noticed all the customers were beginning to get upset so he approached Bobby and asked him to leave. Bobby did so, but not before pouring the rest of the beer he had on Mark's head. As he drove home, Bobby though to himself what a great friend he had in Mark, letting him pour beer on him like that. Bobby decided to make sure he visit his friend Mark at work everyday from that point on.

Bert
Usually everyone has that one friend that they look up to. Bobby's such friend was Bert. Bert was the star of the school crew team and all the girls loved him. Bert knew this and was very cocky about it, always showboating himself around and acting like he was the big man on campus. Well one day Bobby decided to play a practical joke on his pal Bert. Bobby, knowing that Bert had a big crew meet the next day, gave Bert a really big jaw breaker. He then told Bert that he could finish his equally sized jaw breaker faster. Bert, wanting to impress the ladies, took the challenge. Bobby went home and just threw his jaw breaker in the toilet to let is dissolve. Bert however stayed up all night trying to finish his jaw breaker. The next day during the crew match, Bert collapsed because he was so tired. After the race, Bobby told Bert what he had done. The two laughed it up and ate Hot Fries. From that day on whenever Bobby and Bert hung out together they would buy bags and bags of the giant jaw breakers and hurl them at ugly people.

Desmond
We all like to think that we surround ourselves with smart friends, but we do always end up with that one really dumb friend. You know the one that never gets the joke or is always lost during political discussions. Well Bobby was no different, his dumb friend was Desmond. One night Bobby was at home watching Jeopardy when for the first time in his life he actually knew one of the answers before a contestent said it. Thinking he had to be one of the smartest people around, Bobby decided to go to the nearest Mensa conference. When Bobby got there he began going around bragging about his Jeopardy feet when out of the blue came Desmond. Having heard about Bobby's feat, Desmond asked Bobby what this question he knew the answer to was. Bobby couldn't believe how dumb Desmond was. Hadn't he been watching Jeopardy? It was obvious which question was the answerable one. Wasn't Desmond suppose to be a genius or something? Bobby couldn't believe it, Mensa was a big sham. Bobby didn't fit in here, he was way better than these people. Bobby decided he had more brain cells in his brain then these people had in all their little fingers combined. So Bobby headed home, but he felt a little bad, now that he had rejected Mensa, he would never see his good, but very stupid pal, Desmond again.

Kristine
Most of us have those friends we don't like to admit we have. Like if one of our respectable friends found out we spend any time with this person we would be embarrassed. Well Bobby's such friend was Kristine. Bobby first met Kristine one cold and rainy night after Bobby had been kicked out of his house by his wife after feeding the children dog food again. Bobby decided since he had some time to kill he would head over to Office Depot and see if they had any cheap paper. Bobby loved buying lots and lots of paper and then stacking it in his garage. If the stack got too high for Bobby to reach the top of it, he would start a new stack next to that one. Well, when Bobby got to Office Depot it was about to close. The only cashier still working was a beautiful young woman named Kristine. Bobby went to the paper isle and grabbed a few bags of the 500 sheets variety. He walked up to Kristine and handed her the paper. She rang it up and Bobby paid her and left. He returned home and his wife forgave him after seeing all the wonderful paper he bought. Though that night while Bobby and his wife were working on making more children all Bobby could think about was his new friend Kristine. How she had helped him repair his marriage and how he wish he could swap her with his wife.

DeMoss
In every group of friends there is that one friend who you are pretty sure never had an original thought of their own. They are always a follower and never a leader. In Bobby's group of friends that person was DeMoss. As everyone knows, Bobby's greatest pleasure in life had always come from watching Wheel of Fortune. Vanna White had been the object of Bobby's obsession as long as he could remember. Pat Sajak was the father figure that Bobby never had. Wheel of Fortune was not just a game show to Bobby, it was life. One night Bobby was watching Wheel of Fortune and one of the contestants on the show was DeMoss. It was the first puzzle of the night and Demoss spinned the wheel. Bobby jumped up off the coach and screamed to DeMoss to guess an "M." Demoss guessed "S" and was wrong. Bobby couldn't believe it. How stupid could DeMoss be not listening to him. Bobby grabbed the nearest bowling ball and hurled it toward his TV in disgust. Of course that destroyed the TV. Without TV Bobby was forced to do more constructive things with his time like spin and puke. These newfound things made Bobby better appreciate life. So from that point on Bobby attributed his new way of life to his good friend DeMoss.

Josh
Most people have that one friend who if you didn't know them you would swear they had a mental health problem. They seem to have a negative IQ and you spend most of your time feeling sorry for the person and wondering how they would get through life without a friend like you. For Bobby, Josh fit that position perfectly. Bobby first met Josh one day while he and a few dozen chickens were taking a walk on the beach. Half way into the walk, the chickens needed to stop to lay some eggs and Bobby got bored. He noticed Josh nearby fast asleep on a towel near the ocean. To occupy his time Bobby sat down next to Josh and began to burry him in the sand. Josh didn't awake until his entire body was buried up to his neck. Once awake Josh starting screaming and yelling so Bobby picked up a few of the eggs that the chickens had laid and threw them at Josh. Bobby then got an idea. As people walked by Bobby started charging them one dollar to throw and egg and the buried Josh. Bobby made several hundred dollars that day. To thank Josh for participating, Bobby put a few bucks in his mouth before he headed home. When Bobby finally used that cash to get a filthy whore he thought about Josh the whole night. Without his pal Josh, Bobby couldn't have been having the night he was.

Kelly
Not all of Bobby's friends were the same age as Bobby. Bobby also had his share of older, wiser friends. The kind Bobby could go to when he needed advise on staying regular or what was happening in the world of Medicare. Kelly was one of these elder friends. When election time rolled around Bobby headed off to his designated polling place to vote. The place Bobby was assigned to vote at just happened to be an old folks home. Bobby always hated going there because the old people freaked him out. When Bobby arrived at the old folks home a man who introduced himself as Kelly greeted him. Now Bobby knew Kelly was a girls name so he figured he was dealing with one of the senile old folks from the home. Bobby had come prepared in case something like this would happen and pulled several pairs of dentures from his pockets; Bobby knew old people loved dentures. Bobby threw the dentures at Kelly and ran. He figured the dentures would distract Kelly long enough for him to get a clean getaway. Once Bobby reached his car and was safely on his way, he thought back to one of the wildest voting experiences he had every had; he had Kelly, or whatever that old man's real name was, to thank.

Laura
Bobby also had his fair share of snobby friends. Usually Bobby wouldn't have associated with snobby people but the fact that Bobby and snobby rhymed was something even Bobby couldn't ignore. None of Bobby's friends were as snobby as Laura. Bobby was at the flea market one day counting mullets when, not paying attention, he walked right into Laura. At first Bobby had a right mind to club Laura over the head for getting in his way but when he realized that she was a girl he thought better of it. Bobby knew from past experiences that when he picked a fight with a girl he usually lost. That's when Bobby realized that when he bumped into Laura, they had touched. Disgusted that he had touched someone who shops at a flea market; Bobby ripped off all this flea market stained clothes; fell to the ground naked; and began puking. The shame of having touched someone who was in a flea market became too much and Bobby collapsed in his own vomit. Several days later Bobby awoke in hospital and thought back wistfully to his intimate encounter with his new pal Laura.

Pill Bug
As you know, just about everyone has a friend who reminds them of a pill bug. It isn't always obvious what it is about a person that makes them remind you of a pill bug, none-the-less when you see them you instantly think pill bug. Bobby's such friend just happened to also be named Pill Bug, go figure. Bobby and Pill Bug's relationship goes back many years to when Bobby was over in Korea during the Korean Conflict. During most days of intense battle, Bobby would sneak away from his fighting cohorts and look for some girly action. On the day he met Pill Bug this was no different. Bobby was wondering around a quaint South Korean village calling out for some loving when he stumbled upon Pill Bug lying in the middle of the roadway. It seems there had been an earlier battle there and the Koreans had left Pill Bug for dead. Pill Bug begged Bobby to help him so he could return home to wife and seven children. Bobby though thought it would be best that while he was in Korea he should do as the Koreans do. The Koreans had left Pill Bug for dead so Bobby would do the same. That evening as Bobby snuck back to camp he couldn't help but think of what a good friend he had made that day in Pill Bug. As soon as he got back home he would send Pill Bug a fruit basket.

Bobby has a lot of buddies but who is Bobby's best friend? That's to be decided in the ultimate tournament of friends, the Battle of the Buddies.