Episode I

  Pill Bug agreed (he didn't really, this is the first of what will be many, many lies) to be a part of The Joe Bug Bachelor only if his true identity was kept hidden. He feared that if the bachelorettes were to discover his true identity they might judge him before he ever had a chance to meet them. So instead of being himself, Pill Bug, he would go by the alias Joe Bug. Also instead of telling the bachelorettes that he was a waiter at Don Pablos by day and nudie bar customer by night he would pretend to be a wealthy Spanish landowner (this is something he suggested). The ruse was in place and it was time to get things underway.

  Joe Bug (Pill Bug, remember that is his alias) and the bachelorettes were flown separately to Hawaii. This was to be the setting of what would surely go down as the greatest reality show ever. To start with Joe Bug would be introduced to 16 lovely ladies. Then after introductions there would be an opportunity for the women to talk and spend time with Joe Bug in a party atmosphere. The following day after having not spent much time at all with the ladies, Joe Bug would have to give out nine roses to the women he wanted to stay. This would mean seven women would go home after only one day.

  The bachelorettes arrived in Hawaii first. They would be staying in a mansion in the northwest of Maui. All the women would stay in the house while Joe Bug lived in the guesthouse. The women were not allowed to visit the guesthouse unless they had the intent of making sweet love to Joe Bug (this was a clause Joe Bug demanded in his contract, we agreed assuming this situation would never arise). The women all arrived at the same time but none of them had ever met before entering the house.

  "So, what's up?" asked Jennifer L.

  "Not much, you?" returned Jennifer A.

  "Not much here either. What's your name?" asked Jennifer L.

  "Jennifer," said Jennifer A.

  "Me too," said Jennifer L.

  "Cool," said Jennifer A.

  "Yeah, Cool." said Jennifer L.

  Intriguing conversations like this filled the mansion until the host of the show, Bobby, interrupted the bachelorettes. "Hello ladies" began Bobby, "I am glad to see you all made it. I know what you are all wondering and no, Joe Bug, isn't here yet. He is scheduled to arrive within the hour. Once he is here you will all get an opportunity to introduce yourselves. After introductions, we will have a nice dinner party where you may flirt and throw yourselves at Joe Bug's feet. Hell you might even want to flash him your chest. The idea is to make a good first impression because for seven of you this will be your one and only opportunity to impress. I will leave you ladies be and will return soon with Joe Bug."

  "Hmm, that was bizarre," said Ashley after Bobby had left the room.

  "Was that Joe Bug?" asked Sarah, "he was pretty cute."

  "No, that wasn't him. He said Joe Bug was coming soon I think." interrupted Charisma.

  "Well then who was that?" asked Sarah.

  "I don't know. Maybe he was one of Joe Bug's friends," answered Charisma.

  On the other side of the room an equally stimulating conversation was taking place. "So do you know what this Joe Bug character even looks like?" asked Halle.

  "Well I assume he is a stud," said Beyonce. "Aren't these guys always studs?"

  "Yeah I guess so," said Halle. "I really don't care what he looks like though as long as he is rich."

  "True, that's what really is important." returned Beyonce.

  The women continued to talk among themselves until Bobby returned an hour later. As he walked into the room a hush gathered over the bachelorettes. Bobby noticed the silence and began to speak, "ladies I present to you Joe Bug." As Bobby introduced him Joe Bug waddled through the door. A few mouths dropped open at the sight of Joe Bug. He took this to mean that he was so delicious looking the women wanted a bite. Bobby then directed the bachelorettes to one by one introduce themselves to Joe Bug.

  As they did Joe Bug got his first impressions of each of the ladies. Afterwards he was privately asked what he thought of each of the ladies. Here is what he said:

Ashley - She was hot. I wanted to do her right there on the spot. Then when she introduced herself she had this southern twang that made me want to soil my shorts.

Alyssa - She too was hot. I started picturing me doing her and Ashley at the same time. I'll have to ask her if she is into that sort of thing. A "yes" would go a long way to making her stick around.

Bea - She was like 100. None-the-less she is probably who my mom would want me to pick so she has that going for her.

Beyonce - She was okay. She was a little chubby for my taste.

Britney - When I first saw Britney I got a boner. I wonder if she noticed. If she did and that turned her on then I think I may have already found my wife.

Charisma - She too was hot but she didn't like when I grabbed her breast as she introduced herself. I need a woman who doesn't mind me reaching out and grabbing her breast on a whim. If this is something that is going to bother Charisma I think we might have a problem.

Elisabeth - There was something special about this one. I really don't know what it was. I want to say it was her smile but since with most of these chicks I really was looking at more their bodies than their faces that might not be true.

Halle - Not to sound racist but I prefer white chocolate.

Heidi - Now this babe was an obvious foreigner. Usually I don't socialize with foreigners but this chick was hot enough I might have to break that rule.

Jennifer A. - Very hot. This is the kind of girl you want to shower with even when you already taken your shower for the week.

Jennifer L. - Hot but the girl before her was named Jennifer too. This could cause some mass confusion for me. Why there have to be two chicks with the same name is beyond me. Other people like Beyonce can just make up a name, why can't these chicks?

Kelly - I'll just start by saying I love redheads. Now I'm looking forward to finding out if she is a real redhead.

Jacko - I am pretty sure this person was a dude. Whatever they are they freaked the hell out of me. No way in Hell will this person make the first cut.

Meghan - To be honest I think Meghan found me a lot more attractive than I found her. This is a turn on. A babe who can spot a real man when she sees him is a big positive. Now we just have to see how she is in the sack.

Sarah - She is cute but seems fragile. I need a woman that can handle the whole Joe Bug. I don't want to break her or anything.

Trista - I could tell by the way Trista looked at me that she was a whore. I don't hold that against any lady especially a hot one.

  After introducing themselves to Joe Bug, Bobby escorted Joe Bug out and then addresses the ladies again. "Well ladies, now you've met Joe Bug. He will be returning in an hour and we will start the evening festivities. You have until then to get yourselves ready. Any questions?"

  "Yeah I have a question," said Charisma. "Are you people smoking crack? We are supposed to be fighting over that guy?"

  "I second that." said Kelly. "This guy is a freak."

  "Now, now ladies. You can't really mean that?" said Bobby.

  "Damn straight we mean it." said Meghan. "I'm outta here."

  "Wait," began Bobby, "there is one tiny detail I have left out. Whoever Joe Bug chooses not only gets to marry Joe Bug but they also get the grand prize of one million dollars."

  "One million dollars?" said Meghan. "On second thought he wasn't that bad. Actually I think he was sort of cute."

  The rest of the bachelorettes began singing a similar tune and rushed to get ready for the nights scheduled event. An hour later all sixteen women, in evening gowns, were waiting around on the first floor of the mansion anticipating Joe Bug'ss arrival. Finally he entered wearing jeans, a plaid shirt, and a Hawaii Rainbows ball cap. As he walked in several of the ladies made their way up to him.

  "Wow, that plaid shirt really makes you look slim." said Sarah. "Where did you get it?"

  "Not sure," said Joe Bug, "I think my mom probably bought it for me at Wal-mart. I'm not a big clothes shopper."

  "Really?" interrupted Alyssa, "what do you like to do in your spare time?"

  "I like drinking beer and jackin'," began Joe Bug, "I mean I like to read and look at art."

  "Really you like art?" said Jennifer A. "Who's your favorite artist?"

  "Um .. Walt Disney." said Joe Bug.

  "He's mine too!" said Sarah "I love they way he draws Mickey Mouse."

  "Yeah," said Joe Bug, "Mickey is one of my favorites. Old Walt was just over my place last week and I was telling him about a new character I think he should incorporate. It's a pill bug name Justin. I think he liked the idea."

  "Joe," began Aylssa, "isn't Walt Disney dead?"

  "Of course he isn't dead stupid," said Jennifer A. "If he was dead then how could of Joe talked to him last week.

  "Looks like some ladies plan on hogging Joe all to themselves," said Ashley as she dragged Joe Bug over to a different part of the room. Once she had him alone she said "Now Joe I want to be completely honest with you. Only keep me around if you want a girl who likes to have a ton of sex."

  "I will certainly keep that in mind." said Joe Bug. "Do you like orgies?"

  "Only when it's mostly women," said Ashley.

  "You are awesome," said Joe Bug.

  "I thought you'd say that," said Ashley. "Well now you know where I stand so you can get back to meeting some of the other ladies."

  "Hi Joe," said Kelly as Joe Bug made it across the room. "So what do you do for a living?"

  "I'm a wealthy Spanish landowner," said Joe Bug.

  "Really?" interrupted Trista, "you don't look Spanish."

  "My mom's roommate in college was Mexican. That is where I get it," said Joe Bug.

  "Oh okay, now I see the connection," said Trista.

  "Anyone of you ladies talk to that person over there?" Joe Bug asked as he pointed to Jacko.

  "I spoke with her briefly." said Kelly. "She kept asking me if I had a son or any younger brothers. She kind of freaked me out."

  "So she is a girl?" asked Joe Bug.

  "I'm not sure," said Kelly, "I just assumed she was since she's a bachelorette."

  "Well I don't think I'm going to talk to her," said Joe Bug. "She really freaks me out."

  The party continued well into the night. Joe Bug had an opportunity to talk to almost all the women and get to know them a little better. Mostly he just lied to them and they lied back. He was a little disappointed though when he returned to the guesthouse alone. He was certain there would have been at least a few women that wanted to go back with him for some sweet loving. That night he stayed up most the night contemplating who would stay and who would go at the next day's rose ceremony.

  The next day arrived meaning it was time for Joe Bug to send seven of the bachelorettes home. All sixteen gathered and waited for Bobby and Joe Bug to arrive. When they did Bobby spoke "well ladies, you all know why we are here. Joe Bug has nine roses with him. He will give a rose to each of the ladies he wants to keep around. If you don't get a rose you are going home. Joe Bug will you please one by one name the ladies who will be receiving roses."

  "Okay," said Joe Bug, "the first rose goes to Ashley. The second rose goes to Sarah. The third rose goes to Trista. The fourth rose goes to Elisabeth. The fifth rose goes to Heidi. The sixth rose goes to Bea. The seventh rose goes to Britney. The eighth rose goes to Meghan. Finally, the ninth rose goes to Kelly."

  "Okay," began Bobby, "that means Ashley, Bea, Britney, Elisabeth, Heidi, Kelly, Meghan, Sarah, and Trista you can all return to your rooms. The rest of you can go home. The Joe Bug has spoken."

  "You're fired!" said Joe Bug.