Episode III

  Meanwhile the women had gathered around to chat after the second rose ceremony. "I can't believe he sent home Britney," said Sarah, "she was hot."

  "I wonder if he was pissed about what happened at the luau," said Meghan. "Both of the girls that were there with me were sent packing."

  "Well none of our group was." said Elisabeth, "and Joe Bug didn't even come with us on our date. That couldn't have worked out better."

  The next morning it was time for the first of the all day dates. The first group that would be spending the day with Joe Bug would be Kelly, Elisabeth, and Sarah. They would be flying to Oahu and hiking up the Diamond Head Crater in the morning. Then the group would have dinner at a popular surf and turf on Waikiki Beach before returning back to Maui that night.

  "Oh crap," said Joe Bug, "another hike? Why do all these dates have hikes on them? Can't we just all sit naked in a hot tub all afternoon? Now that'd be a date."

  Joe Bug didn't get his wish and the hike was not rescheduled. The girls met him early that morning and they caught a quick flight over to Oahu. After hearing Ashley's mile-high club horror stories all three girls pretended to be very ill the entire time the plane was in the air. This was all unnecessary though because Joe Bug was so embarrassed that no one could fit in the bathroom with him that he hadn't planed on inviting anyone to join him for some lavatory loving.

  Once they arrived on Oahu, the party headed over toward Diamond Head Crater. "I thought we were going to be hiking around a crater," said Joe Bug. "This looks more like a mountain to me."

  "No this is it," said Elisabeth, "we'll be hiking up this. You aren't going to have a problem with that, are you Joe Bug?"

  "Why no." said Joe Bug, "you may be surprised by looking at me but I am actually very physically fit."

  "Really?" said Sarah, "yeah I am surprised by that. Especially considering how many times we stopped to rest when we were hiking around the volcano park."

  "Actually I wasn't that tired." said Joe Bug. "I did notice the other two girls we were with were starting to look beat so I pretended to need rest so they wouldn't be embarrassed."

  "You are such the gentleman," said Sarah.

  As clever as a lie that was, it wasn't five minutes before Joe Bug made the ladies stop for a rest. Then five minutes later it was time for a second rest. Five minutes after that they were stopping again. "Damn are we going to have to stop every five minutes?" asked Elisabeth. "At this rate it is going to take us three hours to get to the top of Diamond Head."

  "Hey," began Joe Bug, "I don't know about you but I want to save some of my energy for later. Who knows what may lay ahead and there is no reason to empty the tank already."

  "Empty the tank?" said Elisabeth. "We've only walked about a quarter mile."

  "Yeah straight up a damn mountain." said Joe Bug. "You keep talking back to me woman and I may have to give you a good spanking."

  "Now that's something we'd all like to see," whispered Sarah to Kelly.

  The party then continued the hike stopping every three minutes to rest. Elisabeth took this stopping as a jab at her by Joe Bug. Actually though had they not stopped as much Joe Bug probably would have died of a heart attack. Finally they reached a long, dark, narrow tunnel. None of them had a flashlight but there was a handrail to hold onto as they made their way through the dark.

  "Who just grabbed my ass?" barked Sarah.

  "Who do you think?" said Elisabeth. "I'd assume the person who has now grabbed my ass three times since we entered the tunnel."

  "Sorry girls, it really was an accident," said Kelly, "I just can't see anything."

  "What?" said Elisabeth. "It was you?"

  "Yeah I am really sorry," said Kelly.

  "I thought it was Joe Bug," said Elisabeth.

  "So did I," said Sarah, "actually where is Joe Bug? I don't smell him anymore."

  The ladies realized Joe Bug was no longer with them. Their first thought was to just continue on however they realized Joe Bug would never be able to catch up with them so they decided to double back. They found Joe Bug near the entry of the tunnel. Apparently he had turned the wrong way at one point and got himself lodged. He didn't want to cry out that he was stuck because he was too embarrassed. He hoped to wiggle himself free before the ladies realized what had happened. No such luck.

  With all three women pushing on him, Joe Bug unwedged himself. It was decided that it would be too risky for Joe Bug to attempt the tunnel again so he told the ladies he would just rest while they finished the hike. Then they could meet up with him on their way back. The bachelorettes loved this plan and hurried back into the dark tunnel. Alone now Joe Bug had some time to reflect.

  "Boy do I hope tomorrow's date isn't another hike," reflected Joe Bug. "Today has been a disaster. Bad enough I have to stop every few minutes to catch my breath but then I get stuck in the tunnel. Sometimes I think they just send me on these hikes to make fun of me. Right now the girls are probably laughing it up. Ugh, maybe I'll take a nap over here in the brush."

  Kelly, Sarah, and Elisabeth hiked to the top of Diamond Head and then spent as much time as they could enjoying themselves away from Joe Bug. Finally after being away long enough they started making their way back down. They found Joe Bug sprawled across the trial, fast asleep, with a trail of slobber going down his cheek. They woke him up and the four slowly headed back down to the bottom of the trail.

  By this time they were all very hungry and headed off for dinner. At dinner Joe Bug ate all three women under the table. His eating manners were so gross that at one point Kelly had to excuse herself to go vomit in the ladies room

  After dinner they all loaded back onto the plane for the return trip to Maui. After having had a big meal, Joe Bug immediately fell asleep on the airplane. This gave the women a chance to talk bad about him some more.

  "I don't know if I can do this," said Kelly. "I don't know if it's worth a million dollars to be married to that beast."

  "You can always drop out honey," said Sarah, "none of us here would think any less of you. I personally need the money. Plus I can think of a lot worse things than being married to that slug."

  "Really?" asked Elisabeth, "you can?"

  "Yeah," said Sarah, "he's certainly not my type. Hell I doubt he's anyone's type but for a million dollars I'd sleep with just about anyone."

  "I guess that is what makes us different," said Kelly. "I don't know if I could even kiss him for a million bucks."

  The girls continued to talk until they reached Maui. There Joe Bug wandered back to the guesthouse alone as usual. He was, as usual, disappointed to be alone but was excited because tomorrow he had a date with Meghan, Heidi, and current frontrunner Ashley.

  The second all day date was to also take place on Oahu. The day would start with snorkeling at Hanauma Bay. Afterwards there would be a session ofsurfing instruction. Followed finally by a nice dinner in a fancy restaurant. Joe Bug was excited to hear that no hiking would be involved. Plus as an added bonus the women would be in bathing suits most of the day.

  Just as the previous day had begun, Joe Bug and three bachelorettes loaded a plane and headed toward Oahu. Joe Bug made a point to complain most of the trip about how he should have just stayed in Oahu overnight so he wouldn't have had to fly there and back two days in a row. The women agreed with Joe Bug and actually flame baited him hoping he would spend the whole ride complaining as opposed to inviting any of them into the bathroom for sex.

  Once on the ground, the four headed off to Hanauma Bay where they were told to dress in their bathing suits and get their snorkeling gear on. Joe Bug hadn't thought to bring a bathing suit so he just decided to swim in his tighty whiteys. The sight of Joe Bug in nothing but underwear revolted the women. However from Joe Bug's vantage point everything was much nicer. Meghan wore a one piece that showed off her figure well. Heidi wore a bikini that showed off her figure even better. Finally Ashley's bathing suit left very little to the imagination.

  The group proceeded to enter the water to begin snorkeling. Joe Bug had great difficulty breathing out of his mouth and gave up on snorkeling after roughly five minutes. "This sucks," said Joe Bug, "how do they expect us to breathe out of our mouths when our lungs are in our noses?"

  After snorkeling, the crew headed over to a nearby beach for surfing lessons. As the entered the water, Joe Bug decided he needed to use the bathroom. "I really have to go to the bathroom," said Joe Bug.

  "Just go then," said Meghan, "you're in the ocean."

  "That's gross!" said Heidi.

  "Come on, it's not big deal," said Meghan, "where do you think the fish go to the bathroom."

  This was a convincing enough argument for Joe Bug and he proceeded to make the ocean his toilet. Meghan regretted giving Joe Bug the go ahead however when she saw for the first time, as Joe Bug attempted to climb onto his surfboard, the brown stain on the back of his tighty whiteys.

  As the surfing began, a rather large wave knocked Ashley from her board. When she stood up her top had fallen off. Through some sort of sixth sense, Joe Bug immediately realized what had happened and began staring at Ashley's naked chest. "Like what you see big boy?" Ashley said toward Joe Bug.

  "Like it?" he said, "I love it. I love you Ashley."

  The idea that a woman could win Joe Bug's love by merely showing him her boobs initially disgusted Ashley. After that wore off she immediately had an idea that would guarantee her passage to the next round. "Well if that's how you feel I guess we don't have a problem." Ashley remained topless the remainder of the surfing lessons.

  After surfing both Heidi and Meghan were giving Ashley the silent treatment. Her idea to stay topless filled them both with rage and envy that they hadn't thought of it first. Luckily they hadn't followed suit because three topless women would have certainly killed Joe Bug. The group all headed off to dinner where once again Joe Bug ate like he hadn't in several weeks. At one point the girls figured Joe Bug had eaten at least three pounds of food.

  After dinner, the group all headed back aboard the plane. Feeling as though he was probably several pounds larger than the last time he decided not to ask Ashley to join him in the airplane bathroom. Though he believed since she had allowed him to see her breasts all day that she would in fact be joining him for an all night romp.

  Of course this romp never came. As soon as the plane took off, Joe Bug passed out from such an exciting day. By the time he came to they were on the ground in Maui and all three bachelorettes had returned to the mansion. Joe Bug returned to his guest home alone and decided to start preparing for the next day's rose ceremony.

  The next morning, the remaining six bachelorettes met in the grand foyer of the mansion. This morning two would be going home and four would be staying. Most had mixed emotions. All six wanted the money more than anything but at the same time they wouldn't be too upset if they were one of the two that would be forced to leave.

  Bobby and Joe Bug entered and the rose ceremony began. "Okay," said Joe Bug, "the first rose goes to Ashley." There was no surprise there. Ashley's topless stunt had propelled her to the top of Joe Bug's favorite list. "The second rose goes to Sarah. The third rose goes to Meghan. The fourth and final rose goes to Kelly." The girls felt the other picks must have been random because it was obvious who was winning Joe Bug's heart at this point.

  "Okay," began Bobby, "that means Elisabeth and Heidi are going home."

  "You're fired!" said Joe Bug