Hincy and the Beast

  Once apon a time, somewhere in the South of France lived an evil, self-centered prince. The prince was known throughout the land as the meanest, cruelest person to ever strut his stuff on the beaches of Nice or show cut-rate movies at the Cannes Film Festival. One day while the prince was at home loading porn off the Internet he heard a knock at the door. When he answered it, there stood a decrepit old hag with a basket full of roses. She asked the prince to please buy a rose from her because she was starving and need money to eat. The prince dropped his pants and began urinating on the woman to express his disinterest in her flowers. After zipping up all of a sudden the woman transformed into a robot jet-plane! She then transformed the prince into a horrible beast and told him he must stay a beast until he could find a woman that would fall in love with him. She gave him a rose free of charge and then rocketed off to Endor. The prince, now a beast, returned indoors never to be heard of again, until...

One late afternoon the beast was doing some intense trading on Hollywood Stock Exchange when his computer screen started flashing. Suddenly a message appeared informing the beast his computer was infected with the Hood Virus. The beast became quite angry but decided instead of destroying this computer like he had his Macintosh, he would actually call the computer help hotline. The beast did just that and the hotline said they would send over someone to help the beast in a few hours. Finally after a few hours had past, a computer genius known simply as Hincy arrived. Hincy quickly cleaned the beast's computer but the beast, having not talked to anyone other than talking furniture in a long time asked Hincy to stay for an Ale-8. Hincy and the beast chatted all afternoon like old friends catching up. Eventually though, Hincy told the beast that he had to leave but left his beeper number with the beast in case something else went wrong with his computer or if he just needed someone to talk to. Hincy's gestured moved the beast, no one, not even the talking coat rack, had ever been so kind to the beast.

A few days later the beast was informed that his favorite dish had ran away with a spoon. The beast, quite upset over the loss of his dinnerware decided to call up Hincy. As soon as Hincy heard what had happen he came right over to comfort the beast. Again the two talked for hours. The beast asked Hincy if maybe he'd like so see a movie sometime and Hincy agreed. The next weekend, Hincy came over to the beast's castle, where he had installed his very own theater, and the two sat and watched Cabin Boy II. After the movie, Hincy and the beast made margaritas and got a little tipsy. The next morning the beast awoke to find Hincy laying in bed with him. The beast had gotten so plastered the night before he didn't remember a thing. Eventually Hincy awoke and went home and the beast got to thinking. Was Hincy the person that could break his spell? The beast decided he would tell Hincy the truth about himself and just maybe if Hincy felt the same way about the beast as the beast did about Hincy, the spell could be broken.

The next day the beast asked Hincy to come over because he had something very important to talk about. Once Hincy arrived the beast went into great detail telling Hincy all about the evil witch transformer who had turned him into a beast for peeing on her. Then he explained to Hincy that the only way for him to break the curse was to love a woman and be loved by her in returned. At that moment the beast asked Hincy if he loved him. Hincy began to laugh and explained to the beast that even though he had really long hair and wore Zorro boots that he was in fact not a woman but a man. The beast couldn't believe it, Hincy a man! The beast was outraged, how could he have been tricked. In a fit of rage, the beast ripped Hincy's head from his shoulders and flung it at the wall. The beast never became a man and was doomed to live the rest of his life as a beast. Several times fair young maidens threw themselves at the beast but he always turned them away saying his heart could never love again, not after Hincy.