Cousin-oonies
It was a sad state of affairs. The local government had
decided to expand the Cincinnati/Northern Kentucky International Airport to
cover pretty much all of Northern Kentucky. It would stretch from Boone
County in the west all the way to Campbell County in the east. Anyone and
everyone who lived there would be forced to move. Well they'd be forced to move
unless they could some how come up with buried treasure, but where is one
going to find buried treasure along the Ohio River? Included in the people
being forced out of their homes were a group of cousins. Their names were
Mikey, Jarrod, Andrew, and Troy but they called themselves the Cousin-oonies,
and this is where our story begins.
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The Cousin-oonies were all hanging out at the Apple Valley Apartments
bumming about the impending move when Jarrod came up with an idea.
What if they found a buried treasure and saved their houses?
The other three Cousin-oonies thought this was a great idea, but they
didn't know where to begin to look. Just then Mikey remembered there
was a treasure map in the clearance bin at Media Play where he worked.
So the Cousin-oonies all rode their bikes over to Media Play and bought
the treasure map for 47 cents. While they were there Troy picked up
a few Baby Ruths in case they got hungry on their adventure. The map led
the Cousin-oonies down into a scary part of Newport where people
don't wear shoes. There they came face to face with an evil pill bug type
character named Pill Bug. Pill Bug was also looking for the treasure.
However he had paid two dollars for his treasure map and was disgusted
the Cousin-oonies got theirs for only 47 cents. Since he had paid three times
what the Cousin-oonies had paid, Pill Bug felt the treasure was
rightfully his and he would stop at nothing to keep the Cousin-oonies from it.
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Pill Bug knew there was strength in numbers so he tried to split
up the Cousin-oonies. He set up a booby trap with a Game Boy as the
bait. Troy took the bait and was immediately captured by Pill Bug.
Pill Bug tied up Troy and stuck him in a room. Once in the room
Troy discovered he wasn't alone. Also in the room was a hideous,
disfigured character known professionally as Carrot Top. Carrot Top
began entertaining Troy with his "comedy." Troy couldn't take
it anymore so he offered Carrot Top a Baby Ruth thinking maybe if he
was eating he couldn't be telling jokes. The plan worked and Carrot
Top quieted down and ate the candy bar. Meanwhile the
other Cousin-oonies were continuing to look for the buried treasure.
The map led them from Newport over to Covington where they were each
mugged twice. From Covington they took the bridge over into Ohio.
In Ohio they battled a giant octopus. No wait, that part was edited out.
Actually they were only in Ohio for a few minutes where nothing
interesting happened and they returned to Kentucky. The map led them
to Wilder where the buried treasure was supposedly buried. According
to the map it was somewhere under a strip club called the Playpen. It
was put there by an old hooker knows as One-Breasted Wilma.
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The Cousin-oonies were excited once they finally reached the strip club.
However that excitement quickly disappeared when they walked in and there
was Pill Bug getting a lap dance. Pill Bug had gotten there first. All
seemed to be lost when suddenly they heard something. "Hey you guys!" screamed
Troy as he busted into the strip club with Carrot Top. Seeing the stage, Carrot
Top quickly climbed onto it, pushed the naked girl aside, and began telling jokes.
As soon as the patrons in the club realized what had happened they began fleeing
the strip club in panic. In all the commotion the Cousin-oonies had time
to roll a distracted Pill Bug into the bathroom and lock him in.
The Cousin-oonies then pulled out their shovels and dug until they found the
buried treasure. They saved their houses and all was good in the world. Well
except each of the Cousin-oonies were grounded by their parents for
going to a strip club.
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The End
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